


hiraeth

by sorrow_key



Category: Pandora Hearts
Genre: Bitter-Sweetness, But more sweet than bitter i hope, Family - Freeform, Features Alternate Universes, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Minor Themes Of Escapism Because I Can't Help Myself, PH Secret Santa 2018, Post-Canon, Referenced Future (not canonical) Character Death, Referenced canonical character death, Swearing, grief and moving on, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 20:28:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17168864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorrow_key/pseuds/sorrow_key
Summary: Of homes that it's impossible for Leo to return to, of one he never had, and the one he is left with.





	hiraeth

**Author's Note:**

> My gift for @sauvielueur on Tumblr for the PH Secret Santa, hope you enjoy!
> 
> Definition of the word hiraeth can be found here: https://sites.psu.edu/kielarpassionblog2/2016/04/02/hiraeth/

_“Did you know?” said Oz, his face buried in Gilbert Nightray’s shoulder, his voice painfully soft, “the Will told me there are worlds other than this one. Worlds,” his words caught, “where all of us got to celebrate another tea party after all.”_

_And even though he was clearly consoling Gilbert Nightray and Alice, in that moment, his eyes met Leo’s, and weren't filled with pity  as much as wistfulness._

 

_(In retrospect, that shouldn’t have been notable. Oz’s pity always was too clearly self-motivated to be condescending. He was rather like Elliot that way. Leo- Leo had wanted to tease them about that similarity. He’d never get to do that now, would he.)_

 

***

 

Leo didn’t finish Lutwidge. Nor did he consider that much of a loss. Everything he wanted to know, he could learn from books on his own. Despite his reforms, he had no plans of changing the Baskerville way of isolating themselves from society. Since he didn’t feel like socialising with nobility just because of his change in status, it was actually convenient for him. Besides, his reason for attending Lutwidge had never been the lessons or the prestige.

What came as a surprise was that not all of Lutwidge was content to let go of him as readily.

“What should I tell Ada about you?” Gilbert’s expression was highly uncomfortable as he asked him this. Understandable, considering Vincent’s request had been to fake his death. Leo didn’t know Gilbert very well, but even an idiot would quickly be able to tell that he was, frankly, an awful liar.

Still, Leo hadn’t prepared for this kind of situation. He looked up from his book. “Hm?”

“She asked about you. She was concerned when she didn’t see you at Lutwidge. I think,” Gilbert hesitated. How strange it was, to be reminded that the academy simply carried on with its life and its lessons. Already, it seemed like another lifetime to Leo. “I think she’d like to talk to you.”

Vessaliusses. It seemed being surprising when they shouldn’t be was their thing. Ada Vessalius wasn't a stranger to him, but when they’d talked, it had usually been through Elliot - usually, through counterbalancing his rudeness. He supposed he’d been through the argument of what counted as friendship with her brother already, though.

“What did you tell her?” Leo asked back, partially to win time to think of how to respond. It was tempting to leave her hanging, spin a lie for Gilbert to tell her or just flat-out have him pretend he knew nothing. Then again...

“I- I said I’d find out and ran away,” Gilbert confessed.

She was Oz’s sister after all. And she _had_ lost her family. Leo didn’t use to be the kind to care about honoring the dead, but to ignore her seemed like something that would wrong Oz’s memory.

(Memories were most of what he had left, after all. He’d turned back from self-destruction, after all, in no small part for the sake of memories.)

But her pity… That Leo wouldn’t be able to take.

“Tell her I’m fine,” he said. “That I’ve moved to a far-away city after- he died. Where she can write letters to, but not visit.”

Gilbert’s posture loosened. “I can do that.” He gave Leo a halting smile. “I’m glad you decided to stay in touch with her. I think… It’ll be good, for both of you.” The unsaid, ‘unlike Vincent’ hung in the air. Gilbert probably would have preferred it if Leo had ordered them to come clean to Ada. Vincent would have listened, too.

It had been tempting. But although he no longer believed removing one’s self to be worth it, it was different. Ada was still alive, for one. And it was true that as Baskervilles, their presence warped the lives of ordinary people. He might have done the same, had it been Elliot. This was something, he believed, that should be for each to decide themselves and as such, he neither forced nor forbade the Baskervilles from mingling with the world. Lilly and Gilbert especially made full use of that.

“I didn’t ask for your opinion,” Leo replied drily. “But if you feel like giving it, be more confident about it. Or else you’re relying on someone else to give the response you want.”

Ah, that hadn’t been entirely fair of him. It hadn’t been entirely wrong either. No matter.

Gilbert looked surprised. He had to not know Leo very well yet, then. His new master had no qualms about calling out the behaviour of the people around him, especially that of his servants. 

“Oh,” he said, avoiding Leo’s eyes as if gathering his thoughts before meeting them again, “I just don’t think this is the kind of thing where you can force anything… So I didn’t think arguing would help.”

Leo laughed. “You could see it that way, but sometimes, people surprise you.”

To him, it was too familiar even still to have someone around who thought arguing the solution for everything.

 

*

 

As Gilbert was the one most in touch with the outside world, it was he who brought them the news. This time, Vincent was there, engaged in a game of chess with Leo. Lillie and Lottie had left, bored of watching them play. The Baskervilles were free to come and go as they pleased now, but they still largely stayed around him. The Core was, as usual, in her room, zoning out in that mildly creepy way of hers. Leo theorised it was in order to improve her connection with the Abyss.

(When he'd asked, she'd decided on female pronouns to honor the women who had used to alleviate her loneliness, despite being in Jack's body.) 

With the way Gilbert lingered in the doorway, Leo could immediately tell he had something to say. Vincent rose to greet him and even asked how the Rainsworths were doing.

“They’re doing well.” Gilbert smiled, slightly awkward as he tended to be around his brother still. “They’ve really settled into married life.”

“Any news?” Vincent asked measuredly, red eye glinting. Of course he’d noticed, too.

“I actually wanted to talk to you two about that.”

Leo focused entirely on his servants.

“Mr. Reim told me- that people are trying to buy the Nightray mansion. Many people.”

“Vying for a building where a blood bath took place,” Vincent commented cynically. “How typical.”

“Isn’t that kind of thing for you to decide, as the heir of the Nightray?” Leo asked, with a smile that felt too wide for his face.

Gilbert fidgeted. “Yes, but… I took on and left behind the Nightray name for my own purposes. I don’t think it would be right for me to decide by myself.” He looked Leo right in the eyes. “I think… Elliot would want you to be involved in that decision.”

Leo felt a little like saying that Gilbert wouldn’t know what Elliot would want, having left the Nightray family behind, but that would be just bitter and more than a little unfair.

Leo scoffed. “Elliot would want us to live there. Or at least have you two reign as Nightray lords, instead of acting as my servants.” He continued cheerily, “But if he wanted us to do what he wanted, he shouldn’t have gone and died.”

Vincent laughed softly at that. Gilbert just stared at him with shock and concern, before his expression softened.

This was why Leo preferred Vincent - he got it.

As if sensing the internal compliment, Vincent immediately set out to ruin it. “Your wisdom is without compare, as always, master.” He lowered his head subserviently.

While Gilbert’s frown of confusion deepened, Leo glared at his servant in disgust. He didn’t mind being indulged, but Vincent’s exaggerated obedience when they both knew he’d been talking shit was nothing short of irritating.

So naturally, Leo kicked him under the table, with strength that had on one notable occasion destroyed a chair at the orphanage.

Vincent rubs his leg with a gross smile and asks, “Well, do you _want_ to live in the Nightray mansion, master?”

“No way.” He was pretty sure Vincent knew that, too. Though he'd enjoyed the library, it was Elliot’s home, not his. Besides, the truth was he couldn’t bear to live where Elliot had died.

“Then he would have accepted that. That boy did care what you thought, more than anyone else.”

Leo was inclined to disagree. Elliot had valued many things - his family, his honor and above all, his own opinion. But he had listened to Leo when he pointed out the flaws in his behaviour. And he hadn’t dared to press about his haircut, despite his stubbornness. Though that may have had something to do with Leo’s violent reactions. But still, he couldn’t entirely discount Vincent’s words.

“So,” Vincent continued, his hand pressed to his chest, “your wish is our command, my lord.”

Gilbert awkwardly mirrored his gesture, giving his wordless agreement.

“Vincent,” Leo replied pleasantly, “Fuck off.”

Gilbert’s hand dropped from shock. Leo laughed.

“Let's keep it, for now. That’s my order.”

Maybe someday, the past would not be so overwhelming and Leo could live there, focusing on the happy memories. Or let go of it completely and make sure that something new and happy could come of that place.

But until then, he’d hold on to the by proxy ownership of the house that had never become his home.

 

***

 

_“So you’re still the Core of the Abyss, even though you’re here?”_

_Rarely did Leo ask her about the Abyss, despite taking interest in it, too busy with his own ways and showing Bridget, as he’d dubbed the Core in honor of the angel said to have come to earth, their world._

_She stared at him unblinkingly. “Yes. My consciousness here and in the Abyss is the same. It’s connected.”_

_It was difficult to wrap one’s head around, so Leo didn’t question her on it further. Instead, he asked, “Does that mean your consciousness is connected to other universes as well?”_

***

 

It took Leo a while to think of the other children. He wasn’t proud of that.

At first, he’d been to consumed by the destruction of his own world to care about anyone else’s, let alone be in a state of mind to pick up the pieces. And then everything had changed so much, so quickly.

That was no excuse, however.

They'd never been that close; the House of Fianna hadn't been that kind of place, nor Leo that kind of person, but they'd been the closest thing to siblings he'd ever had, and as the eldest he’d borne a responsibility for them. A responsibility he'd failed.

This all went through his head in a quietly horrified realisation as he watched Lilly show off a new present from the Rainsworths to Doug. The awareness of his failure almost threatened to be overwhelming.

But Leo had learned to stand up and face reality, no matter how painful or how much he hated it. Compared to drowning in despair inside his own mind as Oswald controlled his body, this was nothing.

He stalked off, dragging Vincent away from a passive-aggressive stand off with Lottie.

“What is it, my lord?” Vincent asked. “You’re rarely this forceful. I don’t mind it, though.”

“Shut up. I have an order for you: Find out what happened to the orphans who survived the party and report back to me.”

“Of course, master.” Vincent bowed. “How kind of my master to care about those children.”

Leo dragged him up by the collar and pushed him, guilt tightening around his heart. “Stop talking that way.”

Vincent rubbed his collar and rose, smiling. “I’m simply telling the truth.”

 

(Leo’s dreams were uneasy that night. But when through his sleep, a blanket was draped over him, he calmed. Though he wouldn’t remember that in the morning.)

 

*

 

The town was bustling with activity, people bellowing to each other and laughing as they went about their days. It was the kind of town where Lilly would be glued to the carriage’s window if it was any other day, watching like the child she’d technically been for centuries, .

It was so lively Leo almost didn’t recognise it.

He wasn’t sure at first - many small towns shared a similar structure, but he recognised Uncle Stephan’s store of curiosities for its books. He hadn’t gone out much, back then.

What a twisted irony.

Well, it wasn’t like Leo had had to accompany the Baskervilles to the funeral of a man he barely knew. But he did like to act his title as lord, sometimes. It seemed fitting, even if it was the other Baskervilles actually consoling Lilly, who’d somehow grown fond of the Barma servant-cum-Rainsworth lord.

It seemed life was set on hammering home that life was changing around them, without any warning. Even if their bodies weren’t changing with it.

The town had looked different, back then. More shabby and worn out.

He wondered now, if that had been his fault too.

No matter. It was in the past now. He wasn't the same kid who'd been taken away from this place without anyone to protest either.

“You know this town, master?” Vincent asked, ever perceptive. Or maybe, he’d looked up where Leo came from.

“Not really,” Leo replied, indifferent, and looked back out of the window.

He’d just lived here once, that was all.

 

***

 

_“Yes,” Bridget replied then, “I can see them as well.”_

_And she added, as she seldomly did of her own accord, “I can show you.”_

_An annoying familiar consciousness rose up in Leo’s mind, exclaiming,  ‘Oh, this is going to be interesting.’_

_Levi appeared so rarely that at first Leo thought helping him repair the chains had destroyed him entirely. Now he was glad to have to deal with him less._

_‘Shut up,’ Leo thought at Levi and asked, “Won’t that disrupt the Abysses’ harmony?”_

_“It’s alright,” said Bridget, “because it’s what I wish. I am grateful to you, for giving me my name and I am sorry, for the misfortune brought to you because of me.”_

 

***

 

Leo lied on the heavy ground, sopping wet, wheezing and drained. Something mercilessly poked him in the side.

“Still alive, glasses?”

“My name is Leo,” he pointed out, opening one red-rimmed eye, not quite glaring at the girl. He'd lost his glasses in the water.

“I’m Alice!” She announced with more gusto than could be reasonably expected of someone who’d just nearly drowned.

“I know,” Leo said, off-handedly wondering if she was stupid or if she’d just never bothered to remember his name and expected the same of him. Neither would surprise him.

“As you should!” Alice replied, puffing her chest out.

Arrogant, then. She wasn’t helping his irritation or exhaustion.

“Where are we?” He asked, deciding that starting an argument in this situation would be idiotic.

“I don’t know,” she replied unhelpfully, plopping down next to him. “I wanted to swim over to Oz and Seaweed-Head when they got swept away, but they asked me to help you out, because I’m the strongest!”

Leo wasn’t sure if he believed the last part - the girl was boisterous enough, but he didn’t know her well enough to be the judge of that. With the company she kept at Pandora, there was no doubt there was something extraordinary about her, but there were many extraordinary people at Pandora. But he didn't care about that right now.

“What about Elliot?”

“He’s with my servants, I guess,” Alice said dismissively.

A tension Leo hadn’t been aware of left him at that. He sat up. “Then we need to get back to them.”

“Of course! I can’t just leave my manservant on my own, and Seaweed-Head too, I guess. They’re useless without me!”

So that’s what it had been that he’d noticed about her. She was overcompensating because she worried.

“Ah, my master is also the kind I can’t leave alone.” Leo stretched. His wet clothes dragged him down as he rose. “Let’s go find those idiots.”

 

(They did find them quickly enough, surprisingly. Alice’s senses were inhuman and Leo was able to pinpoint where the river had taken them from her recollection. And as they returned to their 3rd tea party, with Elliot angrily fretting about him and Oz's trio mutually worrying over each other, Leo felt: this was home.)

 

***

 

_Back then, when the Core had offered him this, Leo’s reply had been “No”._

_He had no need for a home that could never be his._

_Instead, this was what he had:  memories and books and beside him, those who were like him in more ways than he would’ve thought possible, once upon a time._

_(And hope, that too. Even if he thought he should know better.)_

_Vincent, who understood him. Gilbert, who didn't, but treated him kindly anyway. Lottie and Lilly and Doug, who let him live as he wills without pushing past ideals on him too much or leaving, and the Core, of course._

_They’d all had homes they’d wished to last, - with Elliot and Oz and Jack Vessalius and Oswald and the Alices he’d only heard about, - homes that had had their faults. Homes that had been built on lies and as such, naturally had come crashing down eventually._

_Still, it was difficult not to cling to what they’d lost. He supposed that was natural too._

_But time wouldn’t be turned back. Nothing would be fixed for the better as it rolled on backwards, they’d learned that._

_What they yearned for, they would never regain; not as it had been._

_But this companionship of loneliness and mutual understanding, layered as it was with complicated bonds, loyalties and betrayals, and the possibility that he’d live to see old friends rise again and live a new life, even if it couldn’t be as before, even if he was to be a stranger to them - Leo thought he could do worse._

**Author's Note:**

> Re:the Core's pronouns, my headcanons on it are flexible. I highly doubt Leo would call them "it", since he seemed pretty bent on exploring the Core's individuality - for example with the name, so I think he'd ask instead of calling the Core "it" or something.  
> I think the Core might leave it up to them to decide what to refer to them as, because what are human constructs to an eldritch being?  
> Tbh I was really close to going with them pronouns for these reasons, but then I decided against it because I feel the Core was quite influenced by the Will (plus, memories themes!!)


End file.
